Bromosexuals

“Look man, we’re both dudes. I don’t want to hear about how you think I’m cool to hang out with or that you like my hair. Let’s not dwell on the little things and just hang out.”

Everyone knows the type of guy I wish I could say this to. I’m talking about the dude who wants to hang out with you just a bit too much for it to be considered normal. Through actions or comments you get the clear impression that someone has a man-crush on you. Next thing you know, you find yourself in awkward moments of harmless adoration. And it really should be considered a compliment. But guys aren’t chicks. The fact that we hang out is all the approval we need.

The other day a guy I was drinking with actually mentioned that I had a nice waistline, guessed the size, and then said he wished he was as lucky. That was about all the bromance I could handle for the night. Seriously, how was I supposed to respond to that?

And there are worse cases out there. I meet a guy from work out at bars once in a while and he works out and has a pretty stout physique. One time I was standing by the bar with him when a guy walked by on his way out and said, “Wow, what do you feed these things?” and grabbed his pecs!!! Where the hell did that come from? I wasn’t even involved in the incident and I was uncomfortable. My buddy tells me that type of thing happens all the time and I have personally witnessed as much on two other occasions to back up that claim.

Not cool, brother. You’re not being friendly, you’re being creepy. You’re not being funny, you’re being sad. And you are definitely behaving outside the acceptable norms.

So whether this is a call for all you bromosexuals to stop the madness, or simply just calling you out, please find a way to temper your affection or you might find yourself on the wrong end of a break up.

“Really, it’s not you, it’s me. No, no. Wait. It’s you.”

Susan Boyle

Susan Boyle received newfound fame when she appeared on Britain’s got Talent, but the crap tv show is not what I hate. Some things are not even worth knowing enough about in order to properly hate them. I didn’t even know this show existed. Consequently, what I blame is the internet for shoving this trash in my face.

Yahoo! devoted no less than 4 full days of front page banners to Susan Boyle coverage. “Oh wow! Look at this internet sensation! An ugly person actually knows how to sing! The fact that somebody SO ugly can sing SO good is a heartwarming success story!” Really guys, just drop it.

Nothing is as transparent as marketers saying what they are pushing is in high demand. I would say this whole fiasco is insulting to the woman but she is playing a part as a character on tv for the publicity. Does a clown necessarily have less dignity than any other entertainer? Well actually, now that I think about it… Yes.

Poker Players

Poker PlayersBefore you take out the pitchforks and curse me to hell just let me explain myself. I love poker. I love playing poker with my buddies. I love going to casinos with my buddies and playing poker. One thing I do despise, however, are all the people sitting down next to me at the casino tables. I don’t dislike them because they are my competition and I don’t hold it against them that they are trying to take my money. My hatred for them is more visceral and can be boiled down to the simple fact that they are all gigantic pieces of shit.

dark sunglasses +5 POS factor
visor +5 POS factor
hoodie +20 POS factor
ear muffs +30 POS factor

What I’m getting at is this: the majority of people I sit down next to when I play cards would not be worth occupying my time in any other situation. These are the arrogant pricks who overflow with being full of themselves every time they make a comment. These are the experts who know the only correct way to play and “can only lose” if others get lucky. These are the motherfuckers who love the sound of their voice so much that they will speak out loud, to no one in particular, about anything and everything on their mind despite the fact that nobody is listening.

Poker Odds

Thus presents the great paradox of poker. It is a fun game of skill but I am forced to endure hours of annoyance doing it. It is true that the taking of money can make up for a lot of the pain but the flipside to winning is losing and the idea of supporting one of these people’s lifestyles makes me want to quit cold turkey.

But not really. I gotta play the cards.

PETA

PETA Raise your hand if you aren’t sick of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. On the surface this organization has noble goals but damn if they don’t find a way to piss absolutely everybody off. You know you’re doing something wrong when a slew of animal lovers hate you and you’re fucking PETA.

So the latest marketing campaign wants to rebrand ‘fish’ as ‘sea kittens’ in an effort to get people to stop eating them. If little kids associate fish with their cute pets then maybe they won’t have the stomach for them anymore.

Sea Kittens

There are many problems with this ad campaign. First off, people actually keep fish as pets and that hasn’t tugged the necessary sentimental strings. Second, how screwed is the animal you are trying to defend when the only way you could improve its cute image is to associate it with another animal? Is it just me or is that proof alone that fish don’t deserve to be saved? I’ll make you a deal, PETA: If my fish is wearing a cute little kitty costume then I won’t eat it.

My last issue with the whole ‘sea kitten’ logic is that people don’t choose what to eat or not depending on an animal’s nickname. Plenty of people eat catfish. I like to eat beef but you don’t see me chowing down on manatees because they are called ‘sea cows’. Wait a minute- maybe I’m on to something here….

Sea Cows

I could make millions.