Thief Reboot

One of the PC games that most captured my imagination is Thief: The Dark Project. I’ve been playing Dishonored recently and immediately noticed the similarities (in a good way) to the old series. With word of a reboot coming next year, this teaser is all we get for now.

Diehards will complain of Garrett being voice-acted by a newcomer but this is a new game in a new age. I’m too old, as is the series, to bitch about things like that. While The Metal Age was a follow-up by the original Looking Glass Studios, Dark Shadows was developed by Ion Storm and turned out surprisingly well. I don’t think Eidos Montreal is a bad candidate for making a respectable reboot.

At least there’s fan service at the end: Garrett still has a fake eye.

The Orphanage

I haven’t seen a horror movie this good since The Others.

‘El Orfanato’ starts slow but interesting, with the right kind of obtrusive creepiness in normal situations that most horror films dream of pulling off. It’s called atmosphere, and the mix of the Spanish language, dusty orphanage building, little kids, and creepy old lady make certain that you will always be a bit ill at ease. The pacing of the movie is great as well. The clearly defined acts have separate feels, starting with perhaps generic spookiness, getting into Poltergeist territory, and then overlapping a bit with the aforementioned The Others.

One great feat of The Orphanage is that it makes sure to have iconic imagery to really stand out and linger in the mind. If unsettling images don’t linger in your mind then I’d argue there was something lacking. This is impressive considering the majority of the action takes place in the most overdone of horror elements- a giant abandoned building.

There are a couple minor elements that feel out of place, as if they were put in more to cause a mysterious fear in the audience. While these moments may succeed in contributing to the greater atmosphere, their purpose on review feels slightly hackneyed. But overall the film is well thought out and it seems unfair to dwell on the least important aspects of it.

90% of horror movies really have no value at all, and among the ones that manage notice, 90% of those can’t deliver a satisfying pay off. When I reference The Sixth Sense and The Others as masterpieces, it is because of their qualities that stand out. A slow build with strong characters, tense scenes without resorting to cheap scares, interesting and emotional questions raised, and a conclusion that both explains previous events and pulls the story together. The Orphanage fits well in this company.

Life of Pi

I didn’t know anything about this movie upon watching it except that it garnered near universal praise among critics. Unfortunately enough, that is usually a death sentence in my mind because it becomes impossible to live up to my newly raised expectations. If you like animals or fairy tales and aren’t a stickler for realism then you might enjoy Life of Pi but otherwise I wouldn’t strongly recommend it. A word of warning: it is impossible to have a serious discussion about this film without major spoilers so just know that moving forward.

Aside from all the media hoopla about this being a life-changing movie, I tried to lower my standards and come into Life of Pi with a clean palette. In a strange twist, the movie itself missteps and promises to tell the audience a tale that will "make you believe in God." The audacity of the statement is wondrous and pulls the viewer in but will very surely be tested by the end of the experience.

Life of Pi begins entertainingly enough with funny family anecdotes and experiences in India but the crux of the narrative is centered around the tragedy that occurs at the end of the first act. There are two versions of the story that follow: the animal story, shown to the audience over the next 60 minutes through lush colors and CGI, and the human story, told half-heartedly in an ending twist through a 1 minute monologue. The apparent purpose of the film is to spark introspection in a viewer who decides which version of the events is true.

The psychological aspect of Life of Pi holds interest. A young boy, put through serious trauma, anthropomorphizes his experiences based on his childhood zookeeper history. But even this account falls flat as the real meat of the story happens within minutes and Pi is left alone with the tiger for the majority of the tale. It is tempting to reflect on how this represents the conflict within himself but there aren’t any discoveries or lessons learned as a result. And even so, this is the obvious view that, while interesting, doesn’t lend support to the overall theme of belief in a higher power.

So let’s get into the two stories. Supposedly, the human story is the true account of four survivors trapped together on a lifeboat and the cruel and tragic events that led to them all dying save one. The animal story, on the other hand, is a wondrous fable portraying the survivors as animals, glossing over their deaths, and focusing on the ensuing internal struggle of the lone Indian boy, Pi, to survive.

Nearly every analysis of the film frames the viewer’s choice as thus: a cold, calculated, secular thinker will prefer the realistic human story, and a spiritual and heartfelt sympathizer will prefer the romantic animal version. I take issue with this drawing of lines- how is a story of a boy seeing his mother killed and then growing up any less inspiring than seeing a tiger kill a hyena that killed an orangutan? The belief of a higher power doesn’t lessen the tragedy of either, and surviving on the open sea for nearly a year is miraculous no matter the version of events. And while the animal account focused mostly on the adventures after the tragedy, the human story bluntly related the deaths of the others. Essentially, the animal story was given unfair advantage to be invested in, with the human side not even appearing in visuals, so those who believe in the latter are dismissed as cold hard factual people devoid of faith, when that is not nearly the truth.

Ironically, the beginning of the movie that focused on a boy in India named Pi was the best part. The ‘modern day’ framing device of the novelist asking an older Pi to recount the events of the past was hackneyed. What’s worse, the allegory should have been the point of analysis. Instead, Pi, who weaved this amazing tale after almost a year alone at sea, quickly gives in to the skeptical investigators and confesses the true events. This plot development is not believable either for a boy recovering from a wondrous experience or from a trauma victim who has blocked out painful memories. Especially since, at least in the movie, the investigators just wanted to know why the ship sank and didn’t care about the events that followed. On top of that, the annoying novelist then spells it out for the audience that the animals represent the real victims. Not only is the tiger parable unreal, but there is no believability in the post events or even the modern day recounting.

As an aside, getting into the actual storytelling of the animal story, there was a mix of good and bad. The CGI was a visual feat at times and the composition of colors was often stellar, but many scenes were very distracting and had me focusing on the uncanny valley more than the plot. But it wasn’t just the mixed visuals, the events too often shattered any suspension of belief. Knowing the ending illuminates that the allegory WAS fake and that the story WAS SUPPOSED TO be silly. To me, though, this conjures up memories of The Village- everybody spoke in a fake annoying 18th century accent that grated on my nerves but at the end it was revealed that, "Aha!", everything really took place in modern times and THAT’S why the accents were so bad, but the delivery still ruined 90% of the movie. Life of Pi’s stuttering between the emotional and the inane had similar effect.

By far, the biggest issue I have with Life of Pi is the teaser: "I will tell you a story that will make you believe in God." With a quick ending that has a single suggestive phrase, there just isn’t any pay-off. I kept looking for meaning to this story but every analysis obtusely stated that it was up to the individual viewer. I’m sorry but, after a 2 hour journey, that is the ultimate cop out.

Pi asks the novelist which story *he* prefers, to which he replies, "the one with the tiger." Pi answers, "And so goes with God." He then smiles and pretends that he has delivered on his promise to prove that God exists, and the two men share an uncomfortably touching yet meaningless moment.

My contention with Life of Pi has nothing to do with the religious undertones in the theme, it’s that the majority of the film had little to do with a higher power and the ending, while attempting to appear haughty and wise, had even less. It’s strange, because the only interpretation that makes any sense to me is that the young Pi, who believed in all gods and religions, now understands that they are only fairy tales to make people feel better. Just like his first allegory was a fabrication, it was something he told himself because he preferred it. It seems a counter intuitive message for such a spiritual experience and I doubt that’s what the creators intended but I think that just underscores the dangers of relying on the viewer.

A lot of critics credit Life of Pi for being ‘ambitious’ but this is what people say when a movie doesn’t work. This is what everyone said about Cloud Atlas. I’m not against a fanciful allegory of a tragedy but the trappings of spiritual enlightenment were strangely unfulfilled. A fairy tale can be a beautiful thing when framed correctly and, unfortunately, Life of Pi serves more as a lesson of what *not* to do.

SignatureHome

Who does Time Warner think they are kidding?

Yes, I understand that it’s fashionable to make fun of Time Warner cable. It’s been done. The funny thing is, I use them for internet access because they actually offer fast speeds and solid service. My agreeableness surely stems from the fact that I do not use them for TV or anything else. As ancient as a concept as cable is, at least other companies have more modern computer-friendly interfaces. Using the Time Warner TV Guide feels like a flashback to the 80s. Still, even though we’re in the Hulu and streaming Netflix age, these companies must try to persevere. But I’m not quite sure I understand Time Warner’s new strategy.

Ok, so this is about pride of ownership, right? I’m not exactly sure what building materials have to do with cable service but let’s see where they’re going with this.

Hmm, they’re losing me. I don’t think anyone would describe television and phone service as "serene and comfortable". I understand that architects and designers want their houses to look great, but I’m not sure people consider cable boxes and internet routers as ‘nice things’ to show off.

So what is Time Warner actually offering in this esteemed package? Aside from an attempt to cater to a high-end market, what *is* SignatureHome?

Personal Concierge

Advanced TV

Ultimate Internet

Home Phone

Hmm, it looks like a standard cable/internet/phone package to me. Is anyone else bothered that they didn’t gussie up their phone service with a meaningless adjective? I may have been on board if they were offering ‘Extreme Home Phone’.

For your $230 a month you get premium channels like HBO and fast internet speeds, and bleeding-edge technology like Caller ID, but you can get the same for half the price. Let’s dig a little deeper and see what their boasted "one-of-a-kind entertainment experience" gets us.

Live TV on your tablet and laptops

I want people to realize that *this isn’t a service*. I have a Sling adapter that I plug into my DVR that lets me do the same thing and that was a one-time cost of $50.

Home WiFi and the ability to use multiple devices at the same time

More than one device? OUTRAGEOUS! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE TIME WARNER! Despite whatever pagan devilry SignatureHome utilizes to allow you to use more than one device at the same time in your own house, anyone can spend $150 on a much better home router than they offer.

Unparalleled personal service

Ok, let’s blow my mind here.

"A dedicated product specialist will visit your home and connect your devices to work together seamlessly."

I’m pretty sure when they say "dedicated product specialist" they just mean ‘the cable guy’. When the Time Warner ‘specialists’ were drilling a hole in my wood floor because they "don’t mess with walls" the company confirmed my low expectations. So let’s translate what this personal service really is.

The cable guy will show you how to connect your cell phone to the internet.

Personal Concierge

This was interesting until I read that this meant ’24/7 personal assistance’. I have never once in my life heard of anyone calling tech support a concierge. When my internet went down and I called them up I asked if they had picked up my dry cleaning and they had no idea what I was talking about. On top of that, when pressed for good restaurants in the area, all they could muster was "Red Lobster".

So there you have it, SignatureHome, one of many adventures in my mailbox every day. Bad marketing is not something new and I can’t really explain why this particular piece of junk mail got to me. Maybe it’s the smug looks on Burton’s and Doryn’s faces. YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME!

Taco Bell

I just went to Taco Bell and ordered a combo with a Mountain Dew. Or Mtn Dew. Or whatever it is.

When I got to the window the guy asked me, “You said Mountain Dew, right? Do you want the green one or the blue one?”

I shuddered and was at a loss for words before telling him that I wanted the ‘normal’ one.

On top of that, I get home and read the side of the cup and they are announcing that they have a new product:

Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos…

I give up trying to defend this company.

End of Watch

I used to watch a bunch of random movies in the off-chance that I would find a diamond in the rough, something unknown that impressed me so much that I had to add it to my personal collection. Unfortunately, probably due to my years of experience being exposed to plotlines of all shapes and sizes, this doesn’t actually happen that much anymore. In Bruges a couple years ago is the last time that comes to mind. Nowadays I am just really happy if I can watch a random movie without expecting much and be surprised that the overall viewing experience is pretty good.

End of Watch is this movie. It’s nothing amazing but has scenes that can impress. It’s a cop movie, but it’s definitely not Just Another Cop Movie. Besides being filmed in a captured footage style, this movie does other things differently. The plot often focuses more on day to day minutia than on grand conspiracies or criminals. And it doesn’t get hung up on the Blair Witch camera thing by playing fast and loose with the footage source for the sake of having better camera shots. What results is a movie that ‘feels’ more authentic without the medium dragging the story down.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say this movie is realistic, but it is certainly a realist portrayal of life as a police officer compared to other Hollywood offerings. The two partners ride around the squad car making immature jokes and talking just as much shit that you would expect two mid-twenties guys to talk about. The interactions with the sergeant and captain ring true, and even the conversations and ribbing of fellow police officers feels authentic. This is definitely a movie that has done research into departmental behavior- what got me is seeing a cop carry anti-bacterial gel around. It’s no wonder that this movie is a true dedication to police officers the world over.

It’s great to see a new director do something different that has some actual meaning attached to it. The opening police chase should grab you and immediately let you know that you are in for a change of pace. End of Watch focuses on the procedure more than the drama. Every entry into a house brings the fear of the unknown and every resolution allows the audience to breathe a sigh of relief. The film may not be a true peek into the lives of police officers but the attempt at least is there. The rest is up to you to love or hate.

Budweiser Black Crown

Look, an expensive version of a cheap beer! I’m not sure who Anheuser Busch’s target market for this is. Budweiser has made a living by selling swill to customers who aren’t concerned about taste. Now there is a big push for #TasteIs all of a sudden? If you are a Bud drinker then that’s fine, we all know what your primary motivations are: keeping money and getting drunk. But if you are a discerning customer who wants more from a drink, you know better than to drink Bud.

Maybe the push for a more flavored beer is a sign of the times- a healthy reaction by a stingy company. Perhaps this is a harbinger that, 20 years from now, American Pale Lagers won’t dominate 85% of the beer market. But none of that makes Black Crown good, because even without tasting it, I can tell you that its flavor isn’t what the commercials tout.

Let’s call this product what it is: in a market where customers are increasingly willing to shell out more money for higher quality beer, Black Crown is a half-assed attempt to grab a couple extra bucks for generic lager with sub-par ingredients. Said another way? #TasteIs secondary to profit.

Army of Mushrooms – Infected Mushroom

I can’t believe I’ve been posting about music for about 4 years without ever mentioning Infected Mushroom. Not only are they one of Israel’s best selling artists ever, but they stand out as possibly the best psychedelic trance djs out there. Psytrance, as it’s called, is composed of strange synthetic sounds layered into a complex arrangement. As techno, I’ve always admired Infected Mushroom’s ability to always be evolving the song, somehow keeping it from being boring without losing the hooks. On top of that they are very open to ‘mainstream experimentation’, love nothing more than hyping up crowds and getting them to dance their asses off, and were the first electronic dj duo I’ve ever seen to incorporate live guitars into their act a decade ago. Also, cool album art still counts for something.

Army of Mushrooms – Infected Mushroom

Drum N’ Bassa 
Drum N’ Bassa

Army of Mushrooms takes a step away from previous releases as if to refocus itself in its core psytrance roots. Gone are the poppy vocal efforts the previous 3 albums championed after the success of I Wish on Converting Vegetarians. Some of the melodies are definitely more weird but still the classic Mushroom you’d expect. Never Mind is a great way to open the album; it is a technical masterpiece of the popular and the strange yet catchy.

Here is introduced a noticeable and somewhat expected dubstep influence, a natural step for Infected Mushroom to get psytrance dirty into psystep. I didn’t find the one song that overtly pushed the style too appealing but it is a nice ingredient as a minor influence across the collection.

Overall I have to admit that this album seems to have a bit too many ‘just average’ tracks and falls short of previous titles, but only because Infected Mushroom’s catalog is so good. But don’t let a quick skim fool you. Spending the extra few minutes to hear Drum N’ Bassa out until the end is time well rewarded. As with all of their music, turn up the volume, notice the intricacies, and rock the fuck out.

Sun – Cat Power

After years of not releasing an original LP, Chan Marshall defies expectations and presses a great album. I don’t know where she’s been or what she’s up to- I’m not really the type to read about artist’s lives in Rolling Stone, but I am glad she’s back. I’ve previously alluded to the possibility that I would like this release based on the single Ruin, and while this isn’t going to light the world on fire, it certainly is nice to once again be listening to some good Cat Power.

Sun – Cat Power

Cherokee
Cherokee

The album opens strong with Cherokee, Sun, and Ruin- three tracks that are surprisingly upbeat and positive for the musician. The presence of percussion and electronic support are welcome and it’s clear that Cat Power is best with these elements. 1996’s What Would The Community Think made that clear long ago and it’s sometimes frustrating as a fan when Chan deviates from this style.

The remainder of the album is perhaps not as strong and there are a mix of hits and misses depending where you fall on the fan spectrum. I personally enjoy most of it but the songs probably aren’t a good way to showcase the best of the band. Still, if you’re looking for a slightly modernized, optimistic version of Cat Power 3.0, it’s here for the taking.