Month: December 2011

Paul Christoforo

I don’t usually use this site as a platform for reposting trendy internet news but Paul Cristoforo of Ocean Marketing has really gone out of his way to be a hilarious failure. Plus, I still enjoy email threads as an old school bit of internet comedy.

So the story is this: some guy named Dave bought a couple PS3 controllers from a third party company and was emailing their marketing representative (Ocean Marketing) about the shipping delays. Paul Cristoforo, resident representative and prick, engages in a colorful and confusing email exchange.

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 16, 2011, at 1:34 PM

I ordered 2 of the upcoming PS3 controllers (invoice xxxxxxxxx—Nov 3, 2011). Any chance of getting an update of when these items will ship? I’m not really happy about being forced to pay upfront then have the advertised date of “Early December” be completely missed without any sort of update on availability. I really need one of them for a X-mas present as well. Anyways, looking forward to finally using one of these bad boys. Thanks and happy holidays.

-Dave

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 16, 2011 2:45 PM

Dec 17

– Paul Christoforo

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 19, 2011, at 11:02 AM

Thanks for the reply Paul.  Can you clarify whether my particular order already sent or if Dec 17 was the first day shipments went out?  I have not received any sort of shipping confirmation email or tracking information.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 19, 2011 11:21 AM

They still haven’t shipped yet on the way here from china

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 20, 2011 4:29 PM

So then delivery to customer doors by December 24th is no longer likely correct?  Do you have an estimated date of when units will arrive in California? Thanks.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 20, 2011 5:11 PM

They are in the USA now in customs so its wither before or after Christmas.

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011, at 9:47 AM

I noticed the updated info on the webpage, and I don’t understand why there is absolutely no benefit given to those like me who have already ordered, and paid their money.  You’ve had my money interest free for nearly two months, yet now ANY new order will get $10 off….meaning I should just cancel my order for 2 controllers, get my money back, then re-order.

My other questions is regarding item compatibility.  Ocean Marketing seems to be involved with the Xtendplay controller holder, so I was wondering if the Avenger N-Controller can be used in conjunction with the Xtendplay (for both Xbox and PS3)?  Thanks

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 26, 2011 10:14 AM

Yes it can be used with xtend play if you remove the stand and no one is allowed to cancel and re order if we catch anyone doing it we will simply just cancel your order all together and you can buy it retail somewhere else.

Things happen in manufacturing if your unhappy you have 7 days from the day your item ships for a refund. You placed a pre order just like any software title the gets a date moved due to the tweaks and bugs not being worked out and GameStop or any other place holds your cash and im sure you don’t complain to activision or epic games so put on your big boy hat and wait it out like everyone else. The benefit is a token of our appreaciation for everyone no one is special including you or any first time buyer . Feel free to cancel we need the units were back ordered 11,000 units so your 2 will be gone fast. Maybe I’ll put them on eBay for 150.00 myself. Have a good day Dan.

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 12:11 PM

Then cancel my order if you want to.  I’m making a legitimate complaint about your poor communication and you’re the one stooping to childish levels, a patronizing attitude, and threats.  Hell you can’t even get the spelling of my name right.

And Gamespot pre-orders…wow what a terrible comparison.  Retailers take a couple dollars IF THAT for you to guarantee your game availability on the release date, whatever that is. That’s the understanding and that’s what you get.  Plus, I don’t have to complain to Activision or Epic games about these issues because they’re usually not missing the street dates for their AAA titles.

Now let’s take YOUR situation:
1) You’ve promised a new product based off the design for an existing, working product
2) For the longest time, you’ve stated on your website (your failure to update regularly is another issue) the initial/special/limited batch of your new product by early December, obviously in time for the all-important holiday gift-giving season.  I and thousands of other customers GIVE YOU OUR MONEY, INTEREST FREE on the promises you made online.
3) I reach out to you, on Dec 16 (AFTER you have FAILED TO MEET YOUR ADVERTISED DEADLINE AND FAILED TO COMMUNICATE TO ANYONE WHAT THE SITUATION IS) obviously a little frustrated but more curious about when I and other customers can expect the product we paid for.
4) Your reply to me is a cryptic “Dec 17” with absolutely no explanation of what that means.  In the mean time you having been using funds from pre-paid customers to complete Research & Development, product redesigns, and manufacturing mis-steps.
5) You force me to follow-up with an email asking for clarification about what “Dec 17” means since the day has passed and I have yet to receive any new information about my order.  Now you instead of ANSWERING MY QUESTION OF WHAT THE NEW DELIVERY DATE IS, you tell me the goods have yet to leave China…  Why are you telling me this?  I’m not your employee I’m your goddamn customer!  TELL ME WHAT THAT MEANS IN TERMS OF MY TIME AND WHEN I CAN EXPECT MY PRODUCT I PAID FOR.
6) So great…I have to email you AGAIN trying to get a CLEAR answer from you whether a Dec 24th delivery date is possible and if not, what the new date is.  Rinse & repeat: You give me an update of the delivery process (wow, thanks…you haven’t told me anything I don’t know about the order of international shipping procedures) but instead say “…so its wither before or after Christmas.”  WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?  GIVE ME A DATE!?  One that you’re actually going to follow, because I already see “late Nov to early Dec”;  “Dec 17”; and now “CHRISTMAS” in my rear-view mirror.
7) So I guess what’s left for me to do but just wait?  Oh but what’s this, you’ve updated your website…Ok at least you’ve clarified the dates more, I can expect my controller my latest first week of January.  But now as a “token of our appreciation” to all your “loyal customers” (you mean like customers who put up cash for you hold an use?) you’re giving a $10 coupon.  Let me get this straight…so you held my money interest free for 2 months to help bring this product to market, and now some new customer can place an order and pay $10 less than what I paid?  You have financially penalized me in two ways for being a “LOYAL CUSTOMER.”

I’m SURE you’re getting tons of other inquiries and I’m sure you’re not enjoying the fact that your product is not out when you wanted it to be.  I and everyone else understands that “shit happens,” but if you want us to be understanding of that, then you need to keep us in the loop.  You’ve already set yourself up for failure by making explicit promises that aren’t even “likely” given that the design and manufacturing are still be refined.  Then you make sure you’re going to fail by actually taking all of our money, Not just a little bit….THE WHOLE FUCKIN BEEFALO.  Why wouldn’t we trust that you’re going to deliver our merchandise on time?  Besides…it’s based off an existing product so how hard can it be?  Well as your youtube video shows, making any consumer device is hard and requires many iterations and improvements.  But I’m not going to apologize for holding your feet to the fire.  You created these expectations by acting like the release was already a done deal and by hiding the fact that it was faaaar from it.

I want my two n-controllers.  I 1) PAID FOR THEM   2) WAITED   3) DEALT WITH YOUR UNHELPFUL ASS.  I also didn’t want to feel like my trust and loyalty as a customer was being abused and then actually punished in comparison to other customers.  But I guess we can’t have it all… so right now I’ll settle for getting my merchandise and hopefully never having to deal with you again.  I’ve spent enough time writing this email which I hope you gain some insight from.  If you actually do want to screw me over by not fulfilling my order, then I assure you be hearing more from me or people representing me.

You show a surprising lack of business polish for someone who’s quite established, AND an lack of awareness of your customer base: Hardcore gamers.  We’re a demanding, vocal customer but the flip side is we’re loyal and eager to spend.  It’s lucky for you that I really want this product because it seems really deliver on making the gaming experience more effective and enjoyable.  Hell, I want to combine the avenger-controller with the xtend play to make the ugliest, most comfortable, most awesome controller ever.  And I’ll still buy the xtend, so let that be a testament to your products, the rise above your poor representation.

-DAVE with a V

p.s. You look really douchy be having one youtube video complaining about the noise of traffic next to your home and then another video showing off your obnoxiously loud rice rocket (which is nice, I gotta hand it ya).

p.p.s. Welcome to the internet, bitch.  That’s how I roll.

Now granted, Dave with a V went a bit overboard with his reply. Paul Cristoforo was not handling things well and Dave was understandably concerned and lost it. What is amazing is how Paul, representing Ocean Marketing and the Avenger controller, responded:

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 26, 2011 2:19 PM

LOL Thanks for the Free PR I know the Editor N Chief of Kotaku , IGN , Engadget I’ll be meeting them at CES .The noise complaint was for people high up on the food chain in a corporate world of real estate you have no clue about.  Thanks for the Rice Rocket Compliment too love me some motorcycle . Send that over to Engadget you look like a complete moron swearing and sending your customer service complaints to a magazine as if they will post it or even pay attention do you think you’re the first or the last what are they going to do demand us to tell you were your shipment is or ask for a refund on your behalf … Really … Welcome to the Internet ? Son Im 38 I wwebsite as on the internet when you were a sperm in your daddys balls and before it was the internet, thanks for the welcome to message wurd up.  Grow up you look like a complete child bro. I Don’t have my controller so im gonna cry to the world … Really ?? Hey take that free time and do something more productive. All you had to do was check the like everyone else , people have inquired but you’re the douchiest of them all J

To all our pre-order customers looking for information on the status of their orders after a busy couple of months The PS3 Avengers are on their way from our Manufacturing plant overseas. We are aware that everyone is anticipating having their Avengers under their Christmas Tree and were doing our best to get these orders shipped out as fast as possible. We appreciate you as loyal customers and for supporting our company. Customers will start receiving their products this week before Christmas and After Christmas and into the New Year. As a token of our appreciation we are offering all our pre-order customers and new customers 10$ off your next order with us just enter Avenger1001 at Checkout. Thank you and Happy Holidays!

Oh and FYI When a street date gets pushed by a publisher on a video game you pre ordered do you cry to them too ?

You just got told bitch … welcome to the real internet check kotaku in 2 weeks when they are reviewing free PS3 Avengers we send them as well as G4 and all the other majors hell yeah , don’t forget to check Amazon, gamestop.com, play n trade , Myers , Frys and a ton of other local stores coming your way you think you speak for billions son your just a kid you speak for yourself no one cares what you think that’s why were growing and moving 20-50 thousand controllers a month. We do value our customers but sometimes we get children like you we just have to put you in the corner with your im stupid hat on. See you at CES , E3 , Pax East ….? Oh wait you have to ask mom and pa dukes your not an industry professional and you have no money on snap you just got told.

Once frustrated, Dave sent this email thread around to several news sites including Penny Arcade, and since Paul bragged about being at PAX East, Mike, one of the guys who runs the site and expo, joined the email chain:

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Dave, Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 8:45 PM

Holy shit this is unbelievable. Dave, if this guy has a booth at Pax east we will cancel it.

From: Dave
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 8:53 PM

Hey thanks Mike.  It’s truly a shame because I think this device is great for gamers with disabilities and problems.  I think of Child’s Play and if anyone’s gonna need greater accessibility when using complicated gamepads…it’s sick kids!  Shit man, I’m really gonna feel bad if I think that sick children may somewhere down the line have fewer avenger controllers because I got into a pissing match with a sad old man.  Please don’t cancel their booth on my account.  As much as I hate this asshole, I still WANT his product and think it should be out there.  GAH, I wish I was in a position to make a competing product to really stick it to guy.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 8:54 PM

Hey Mikey,

We’re not renting a booth at pax east this year , bigger and better shows to be at we got nothing from the show . Oh so you know this guy has sold over 500 thousand dollars of product in Dec and is my main distribution arm landing us in GameStop , fry’s , Myers , Best buy , Activision , MLG , play N trade and a lot more . Were in 6 countries and you’re not going to take my money for a booth that’s a crock I can guarantee I’ll get a booth if I want one money buys a lot and connections go even further.  He’s a native Bostonian from Little Italy . Who are you again ?

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:08 PM

I am mike krahulik, Pax is my show. Feel free to google me=) I can promise you that you will never have space at any future Pax event.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:33 PM

OK Mike whatever you say lol , are you sure hour not in Boston I spoke to the person who ran the show in Boston last year. If you let some little kid influence you over a pre order then we don’t want to be a your show ,Ill be on the floor anyway so come find me , I’m born and raised in Boston I know the people who run the city inside and out watch the way you talk to people you never know who they know it’s a small industry and everyone knows everyone. Your acting like a douchbag not that it matters pax east pax west , e3 , CES , Gamer Con , SSXW ,Comic Con, Germany I’m all over the place. If we want to be there we will be there with industry badges or with a booth you think I can’t team up with turtle beach , Callibur or Koy Christmas , I can’t get Kevin Kelly to pull some strings or G4 , Paul Eibler Ex CEO of take 2 ,  Rich Larocco Konami , Cliff Blizinski Epic who were working with on a gears version , Activision who were working with on a MW3 and Spider man Bundle , The Convention Center Owners themselves , Mayor of Boston come on Bud you run a show that’s all you do and lease a center in Cities you have no pull in its all about who you know not what you do.  I’ll see space where ever I want , with who I want when I want and where I want so many ways around you and so many connections in this industry its silly. Anyway , I have no issue with you Sean Buckley Engadget, Scott Lowe IGN and the list goes on and on. Little kids unhappy with a PRE ORDER starting trouble and you email that to us , he’s a customer unless you’re his boyfriend then you should side with the company not the customer. Be Careful

It’s important to note that all the name dropping Paul Cristoforo of Ocean Marketing is doing is subterfuge. He is attempting to bully his recipients by pretending to know the mayor, or video game industry employees, or whatever. And the funny thing is, because he is lying out of his ass, he probably assumes everyone else is using his tough guy act and lying as well. Except he just picks fights with people without checking.

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:40 PM

I do run Pax, but I also run a website called penny arcade. It’s kinda popular.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:41 PM

Love penny Arcade !!

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:42 PM

I’m glad you like it! You will be on it tomorrow:)

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:46 PM

Great !! Love PR

And then, possibly upon reconsidering:

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:46 PM

Mike I’m not trying to fight with you I’m really not , you should give me the benefit of the doubt before judging over one person’s bitching . Did I feed into his emails a little bit too much yeah ok . But it’s one person dude for real. No disrespect intended for you , My name is good in this industry and I know a lot of people. I’ll be at CES are you going ?

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:47 PM

Please remove me from this mailing list

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:57 PM

Your spamming me you’re not on a mailing list you idiot ! You sent me an email remember . Make sure you stir up a lot of controversy about us the more the better we needed some drama gets good blood flow going about the new product launch .  Your sites amateur at best my son could put together a better site than yours and you run PAX ?? Wow , Ill put my marketing team on a smear campaign of you and your site and your emails , I have about 125 dedicated people to run PR , Blogs , Articles , Videos you have no clue who I am . Thanks again

At this point the entire email chain is posted on Penny Arcade and shit begins to hit the fan. Other news sites cover the story and the collective internet begins making fun of Paul Cristoforo. Here’s a great example and summation of events so far:

 

It is around this point that Paul Cristoforo calls mercy:

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 27, 2011 at 7:12 AM

You have the power Mike Please make it stop

And then, about an hour later, an ‘apology’:

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 27, 2011 at 8:15 AM

Hey Mike,
I just wanted to apologize for the way our emails progressed I didn’t know how big your site was and I really didn’t believe you ran Pax , So for what’s its worth I am very sorry. Your post has obviously made my life very difficult and I have not slept yet dealing with all the spam and personal information intrusion as well as my family being smeared on the internet.
If you can please accept my apology and anything you can do to help if not me my son and wife please do. I have apologized to Dave and apologized to you what else can I do please tell me so I can make things good. I obviously care or I would not be emailing you.

Needless to say, it was too late. The internet can not be put back on its leash. Ocean Marketing was more or less dissolved or something, not sure, but they no longer represent the Avenger controller. This poor guy has been berated all Christmas and probably lost multiple clients and screwed up his reputation but he still didn’t learn.

He tried to extort a cushy contract from Avenger after the fallout by holding their digital property (like their Twitter account and email addresses) for ransom until that exploded into even more internet stories until he relented. The whole thing is just great comedy.

Not sure what is next in the Paul Cristoforo saga, but much like Jack Thompson (the crazy anti-video game lawyer) it is likely that gamer sites will continue running trivial news about him until some other shmuck comes along.

Freaks and Geeks

This is admittedly a very old tv show but why not touch on what some consider a cult classic? After all, it is one of Judd Apatow’s notable babies after early work on The Ben Stiller Show and The Larry Sanders Show. It features probably James Franco’s best known appearance before Spiderman as Hobgoblin and perhaps more impressively is the acting debut of comedy giant Seth Rogen. I never really watched the series when it aired, probably in part due to my aversion to self deprecating geek titles, but I recently got to watch all of the first and only season.

The title sequence starts with Joan Jett’s Bad Reputation, a punk theme song about people not caring about their reputation. Then the entire show (sans one episode) has nothing to do with punk culture and follows a couple groups of teenagers who care about nothing more than their reputations. It does well to ground the 1980 period but has little relation with the bands like The Who and Led Zeppelin that the main characters listen to. To be fair, the angst of the song certainly carries into the show and matches with the famous pilot episode line, “Man, I hate high school.”

The series follows two groups of kids a few years apart: the ‘freaks’ who are the bad kids who don’t care about school and smoke pot and the ‘geeks’ who are the kids who are so nerdy that they don’t know how to be normal and talk to girls and get beat up a lot. One thing Freaks and Geeks should be commended on is the semi realistic portrayal of these archetypes. Sure the stereotypes are cheesy and overdone, but at least these aren’t your normal Hollywood movie geeks who are dudes that work out but wear glasses. No, these kids are truly *asking* to get beat up, and the older kids who skip school are real losers most normal people wouldn’t want to hang out with.

Still, the things the series does right isn’t enough to overcome the faults. The 1980’s setting is a cool touch and I get the sense that Apatow is likely drawing from his experiences as a kid but I think there’s a reason this show got cancelled. The storylines were obvious, the characters were unlikable fuckups and posers, and the entire premise was a lie. I found it extremely hard to relate to these characters and it’s very possible mainstream audiences felt the same way.

Sons of Anarchy

As far as action dramas go on tv these days, you’d be hard pressed to find much better than Sons of Anarchy. The premise is simple: a motorcycle gang deals with conflicts within and without as they trade in firearms and otherwise try to eke out a living in the small California town they control. The backstory that fleshes out the series has been well thought out from the start. All the characters are believable and there are real consequences to their actions. Most tv shows try to string out plot elements across a season to get the most entertainment value out of them, and while Sons is not completely innocent of this artifact of the episodic format, it does well to move important events along. Each season has a clear theme and they all tie together.

The story of Sons of Anarchy is so strong because it doesn’t treat the audience as if they were dumb. Previous history is introduced as if it’s always been there and all the characters already know about it, leaving the viewer to catch up. The downtime and family problems are nowhere near as boring as The Sopranos (and every show that has copied them since). Even the gunfights are not excessive and are well placed over the episodes. This isn’t your average tough guy action story- it takes heavy inspiration from Hamlet. Sons of Anarchy is a compelling action crime drama with a great cast of characters- you’ll even like watching the ones you hate. It’s no wonder because the creator, Kurt Sutter, played a large part in the other great FX series The Shield.

One of the shining things that stands out about this series is the sheer style. This is a tv show about bikers and attitude and that permeates every facet of production. Entire sequences of scenes are often accompanied by rock tracks giving off a music video vibe. There are simply not very many series with a comparable feeling. And these days, if you can stand out, you’re doing something right.

So now here we are at the end of season 4, carrying a plotline that could have ended the entire series. Still the creators found a great way to cap the season and leave a lot of room for interesting developments in the episodes to come. Do yourself a favor and catch up on the past 4 years. Besides Game of Thrones, nothing else on tv respects its timeline as much, and you shouldn’t miss out.

Fig Newtons

Subject: Fig Newtons

Dear Nabisco,

I love your Fig Newtons and eat them almost every day. They are a great light and healthy snack.

I recently became alarmed at the possibility that these tasty cakes may be infested with fig wasps. What sort of quality assurance procedures ensure that wasps are not present in the figs used in your cookies?

Subject: Fig Newtons

From: "Kraft – Nabisco Email Team" <EmailTeam@Nabisco.com>

Thanks for visiting our web site.  We appreciate your interest in our Fig
Newtons.

We take special care to ensure our products are free of any foreign matter.
Figs are a natural fruit product of which seeds are an inherent part.  When
prepared into fig paste, the seeds are ground along with the fruit pulp.
You may be assured that these fruit seeds are completely wholesome.

Fig wasps do not lay eggs inside the fruit.  We only use reputable suppliers
for all of the wholesome ingredients used in Fig Newtons.  All raw materials
are inspected and must meet or exceed FDA guidelines.

We hope you continue to enjoy Fig Newton cookies. Please add our site,
http://www.kraftfoods.com/, to your bookmarks and visit us again soon!


~~TLXEA_8833222~~N
I love the internet.

The Goth Fallacy

I’m not going to rail against the old Goth movement but I will allow myself to pontificate a bit about one of its overriding fallacies. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to paint your nails black and adhere to a certain style. It is a bit annoying that every 13 year old girl needs to go through a Goth phase (if only because it hurts the credibility of the others) but there’s not much I have against it. One of the first clubs I went to was a Goth club and despite being ignorant of the requirements and wearing a white shirt I actually ended up having a whole lot of fun.

But at some point many Goth folks will tell you that they don’t conform to society and want to be unique and different. Let me just take this moment to say that’s all horseshit. Maybe not that you *want* to be unique, but what exactly is original and unexpected about these girls?

You want to dress differently? That’s cool. Just admit you’re a fan of a certain style and check the non-conformist diatribe at the door.

Geek

I’ve always hated seeing the word ‘geek’ used self referentially. This is a word that sits snugly in between dork and nerd- an insult that should be avoided. I remember wondering why anybody would want to willingly shop at Think Geek, essentially an online store that is poking fun at its customers, or work at The Geek Squad for that matter. Have they no self respect?

At some point I came to realize that the word geek is a lot like the word nigger. At least they share a troubled childhood. These are terms meant for a derogatory purpose but snatched away from the oppressors and worn like a badge. They are reclaimed insults that no longer mean quite the same thing.

Still, it’s not a term I would want applied to myself. Maybe it’s a generational thing.