Sure, holidays are all fun and games, but there’s more than the physical after effects of drinking to worry about. The New Year is ripe with nagging pains and annoyances that an aspirin can’t cure. What’s worse, this metaphorical hangover can last weeks or more. What kinds of things am I talking about exactly?
The End of Fun
What does January mean to millions of Americans? No more football, for one. But it goes deeper than that. Coming off a period of intensive holidaying, dealing with the rest of Winter and Spring is practically going cold turkey. For almost the next 5 months all we get is Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday and Presidents Day, and chances are you don’t even get both of them off unless you are a federal employee. The message is clear- it is now time to get back to business. Suck it.
The Gym is Packed
All I want to do is work out for 30 minutes as usual but so many new people are determined to get into shape that they decide to crowd the gym at the same time and generally clog up the normal system. They get in my way on the machines and, being ‘casual’ exercisers, don’t even know that we should try and share. Nope, instead their out of shape asses are camping out and hoarding their territory while they take breathers in between sets. Unsurprisingly, it’s all for naught because after a month or so the crowd starts thinning out again. Well that was a good use of a year long membership.
You Gotta Answer that Awful Question
You know the one I’m talking about. The question about how you’re going to change your life and become a better person. How exactly are you going to do that? Because if you don’t have a plan by the end of December then the whole year’s just a wash.
“So, like, what’s your New Years resolution?”
Should you be honest?
“Oh, I don’t really do stupid things.”
“To punch everybody who asks me that question in the face."
Or maybe you can actually take the opportunity to set some real goals for yourself.
“Well, actually, I thought it might be a good year not to go to jail.”
But really, all you want is to not have to answer that fucking question one more time. And despite your lofty aspirations, sometimes it’s worth it to get arrested for doling out some good old fashioned vigilante justice.